FREE ESSAY ON INTROSPECTION

INTROSPECTION

Introspection is always a difficult process, and even more so when one is still a
teenager, struggling to find oneself, but a prominent aspect of my outward personality
which keeps floating up in my mind is shyness.
I am sitting in my third grade classroom and the bell rings for class to begin. The list
of the day's assignments is on the board. I begin Reading, which is first, but also my
favorite, and quickly finish. I want to move on, but my teacher has other plans. She
begins to discuss the reading and randomly calls on the class for input. I did the work
and understood it, but I still hope with every cell in my body that she will not pick me.
Silently hunched over, staring at my paper, I plead with fate to let me escape. My
entreaties denied, the gods mock me as I hear my name. Suddenly, I forget all the
dazzling responses I was fervently planning just in case of an emergency such as this. I
wonder why I am left surprised by my witless state; this has become routine. 
Although this fear is common in the classroom setting, it has translated into my personal
life. Only recently have I begun to realize that my misgivings about my worth as a human
being may not be entirely my fault. My mother has had a tremendous influence on my life.
Over the years she has caused me to fear interaction with others (i.e. the world) for
fear her type of harsh judgment be passed. 
Attempting to improve myself, I read a book intended to coax one out of, or help one deal
with shyness. It expounded upon a certain type of mother that seeks out to impress upon
her child—subconsciously, of course—that the world is a terrible place,
filled with things that must be feared. The purpose of this is for the child to cling to
the "loving mother," seeking protection from the outside world. The insidious plan
backfires once the child is old enough to question his/her behavior as well as that of
the parents—a phase we must all go through at some point. As one might imagine, I
was relieved to learn that other people have these difficulties, and more importantly, I
should not to blame myself. 
So what is the big deal, you ask? Everyone has parents he or she can point to as less
than perfect, right? Well yes, and it should be noted that I am not trying to escape
blame for my state of mind by using the "wicked mother" bit, an alleged scapegoat
frequently used in psychology. If I want to change, I must do it myself. I love my
mother, and I know most relationships that exist between parents and teenagers are
complicated. However, everyone around me can see (and testifies to) the effects of her
aggressive, overbearing behavior, so I think there is due cause for my concern. I flee
from confrontation outside the home because I am bombarded with it inside the home. Is
there no end to this horrible cycle? There may be hope…
Prompting from recent teachers has helped me begin to find my voice (indeed proven that I
have something to say), and calmed the eternal struggle between introversion and
recognition, which plagues all shy people. I am certain this growth will continue
throughout my last year of high school and through college, and the benefits of your
school will further draw me from my shell.
I was also able to get a part in the school play. Although I portrayed a sniveling
passive character that was constantly berated, I spoke loudly and clearly, tried not to
take myself so seriously, and had fun. I even forgot about my mother for a while too.